That you will be there for her, no matter what, whenever she needs you. That she is safe with you. That you will be her harbor in the storm. That you love her and that she didn't deserve it and she is not to blame. Start there. It will matter.
believe her if/when she wants to talk. listening to all the shit that hurts to hear is the best support. that is so much more than most of us had from our families. unconditional love is priceless.
Dear ECM, thank you for sharing this very personal and hellish account of your experience, I am so sorry this happened to you. When I read about other tragic stories like this, I always think of the victims, and how their terrifying experiences changes the trajectory of their lives, changes even their hearts and souls. This is so much a part of patriarchy, as are so many of the issues we are dealing with. Wishing you and your kiddos much love and peace, thank you for all you do and for all you share with us.
Great essay. Thank you. You have taught me so many things. I have spent too much of my life caught up in chasing after men who did not deserve my attention. I was far too promiscuous, probably because of some sort of abuse that I don't remember. I determined my worth by the attention of men. I was unaware that I was being groomed by predatory narcissists who used my naiveté and low self-esteem to lure me in. My sense of self-worth plummeted even lower. I would meet another narcissist who would tap into these feelings. It was a vicious cycle for many, many years. I became a part of a high-control religious group, cult, to try to atone for and control my promiscuity, but to no avail. I love my job of waiting tables but feel unemployed in this job. What a loss of potential! I hope I live until I'm one-hundred so that I can work on healing myself and living the next 48 years of my life more productively.
You are such a powerful writer, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for sharing this from your youth, from the perspective of the intelligent, accomplished wonder woman that you are. These are stories that need to be told again and again. Hopefully, change is going to come.
Wow! I'm so sorry for what you and so many other women have been subjected to through the ages. Thank you sharing your experience and insights. As the father of two girls - now young adults - I'm sharing your letter with them to raise their awareness and understanding. Thoughts from you and your readers on what else parents can do to help their kids recognize and somehow manage to avoid men who prey on women - and boys who view and treat girls as sex objects - would be appreciated. Agree with others that your post should be published and shared more widely - unfortunately, there is a large audience. A follow-up post aimed at men and boys would be in order as well. Thank you again.
forgive me & ignore if this doesnt apply. growing up in a literal personality cult of an npd person, i have some simple tricks for testing men: 1) can they laugh at themselves. if no, RUN. 2) how do they treat people perceived as 'inferior' socially? servers, homeless, etc. rude, dismissive, impatient, unempathetic, RUN. 3) how do they treat animals or things weaker or helpless. if not gentle, caring, generous, RUN RUN RUN. abusers are good at being 'charming' but these things are difficult to fake, esp being able to truly laugh at themselves.. not at jokes, not at others, but their -own- foibles. thats the top one. not being able to is a -dead- giveaway. 4) DONT BE AFRAID TO RUN. you cant change them. believe your own eyes. RUN. you are worth more than that. good luck. you have to be perceptive and critical thinker to observe these things, but they are very helpful tells. ive never had a bad relationship on these criteria.
"forced birth" (of slaves) to create more labor has been updated by the far-right "Christian" an ti-abortion movement to create and raise more "Christians". See also "Quiver-full" movement, women intentionally having many children to raise more Christians. And adoption (see Betsy DeVos adoption agencies). War takes many forms.
Thank you for writing this. It helps me to understand all the poor choices I made stem from being molested in 3rd grade and carrying that pain to this day as a person in her mid 50’s. Who asks a 9 yo if they want to press charges? In my new school clothes days before 4th grade starts.
I read this while nursing my infant daughter and what fills me with the most rage is that although we all know this, have lived it, and even now talk about it out loud, she too will need to live it. I hope beyond words that she’s not an anonymous victim in a photo, that there are no more photos and no more victims. Thanks for this powerful essay. Onwards, for the world’s children.
we may be "nameless" but we always recognize each other. it's in our eyes. it's in the kindness we share with our other "warriors." at 65 the pain is as fresh as if it were yesterday.
"we may be chipped china but we are still precious and worthy." if i repeat it often enough, maybe it will take root.
re the 'chipped china'.. at some point years ago i realized that clear quartz crystals are supposedly considered 'unflawed' they are clear... but that when crystals -do- have a crack in them, it literally shows up as rainbows along the crack. uncracked crystals dont make rainbows. only cracked ones do. its something i keep in my mind to try to deal with the broken shards that should have been my life. peace to you.
This speaks to all of us nameless ones. I'd love to share this, but know I can't. Do you plan on publishing this on a more far-reaching platform? You get to the absolute core of why women, millions of us, carry relentless, white-hot rage at the crimes perpetrated against us for centuries.
That you will be there for her, no matter what, whenever she needs you. That she is safe with you. That you will be her harbor in the storm. That you love her and that she didn't deserve it and she is not to blame. Start there. It will matter.
believe her if/when she wants to talk. listening to all the shit that hurts to hear is the best support. that is so much more than most of us had from our families. unconditional love is priceless.
I know this was difficult to write. All of us who have been raped and molested thank you.
Realized when I got to the end I was holding my breath. And so it goes.
This is powerful, Elizabeth. Wow and thank you. I felt this in my soul.
I almost have no words. Your bravery to tell your truth, your story to all of us is simply unbelievable. You are a gift to us all.
Dear ECM, thank you for sharing this very personal and hellish account of your experience, I am so sorry this happened to you. When I read about other tragic stories like this, I always think of the victims, and how their terrifying experiences changes the trajectory of their lives, changes even their hearts and souls. This is so much a part of patriarchy, as are so many of the issues we are dealing with. Wishing you and your kiddos much love and peace, thank you for all you do and for all you share with us.
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your powerful story.
That's the part that pisses me off the most:
The men who abused me sauntered off into the rest of their lives, without consequence, while I spend the rest of MY life dealing with the aftermath.
Great essay. Thank you. You have taught me so many things. I have spent too much of my life caught up in chasing after men who did not deserve my attention. I was far too promiscuous, probably because of some sort of abuse that I don't remember. I determined my worth by the attention of men. I was unaware that I was being groomed by predatory narcissists who used my naiveté and low self-esteem to lure me in. My sense of self-worth plummeted even lower. I would meet another narcissist who would tap into these feelings. It was a vicious cycle for many, many years. I became a part of a high-control religious group, cult, to try to atone for and control my promiscuity, but to no avail. I love my job of waiting tables but feel unemployed in this job. What a loss of potential! I hope I live until I'm one-hundred so that I can work on healing myself and living the next 48 years of my life more productively.
*underemployed.
Wow. Just wow. This needs to be an editorial in the NYTimes.
Agreed!
You are such a powerful writer, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for sharing this from your youth, from the perspective of the intelligent, accomplished wonder woman that you are. These are stories that need to be told again and again. Hopefully, change is going to come.
Wow! I'm so sorry for what you and so many other women have been subjected to through the ages. Thank you sharing your experience and insights. As the father of two girls - now young adults - I'm sharing your letter with them to raise their awareness and understanding. Thoughts from you and your readers on what else parents can do to help their kids recognize and somehow manage to avoid men who prey on women - and boys who view and treat girls as sex objects - would be appreciated. Agree with others that your post should be published and shared more widely - unfortunately, there is a large audience. A follow-up post aimed at men and boys would be in order as well. Thank you again.
forgive me & ignore if this doesnt apply. growing up in a literal personality cult of an npd person, i have some simple tricks for testing men: 1) can they laugh at themselves. if no, RUN. 2) how do they treat people perceived as 'inferior' socially? servers, homeless, etc. rude, dismissive, impatient, unempathetic, RUN. 3) how do they treat animals or things weaker or helpless. if not gentle, caring, generous, RUN RUN RUN. abusers are good at being 'charming' but these things are difficult to fake, esp being able to truly laugh at themselves.. not at jokes, not at others, but their -own- foibles. thats the top one. not being able to is a -dead- giveaway. 4) DONT BE AFRAID TO RUN. you cant change them. believe your own eyes. RUN. you are worth more than that. good luck. you have to be perceptive and critical thinker to observe these things, but they are very helpful tells. ive never had a bad relationship on these criteria.
"forced birth" (of slaves) to create more labor has been updated by the far-right "Christian" an ti-abortion movement to create and raise more "Christians". See also "Quiver-full" movement, women intentionally having many children to raise more Christians. And adoption (see Betsy DeVos adoption agencies). War takes many forms.
Thank you for writing this. It helps me to understand all the poor choices I made stem from being molested in 3rd grade and carrying that pain to this day as a person in her mid 50’s. Who asks a 9 yo if they want to press charges? In my new school clothes days before 4th grade starts.
I read this while nursing my infant daughter and what fills me with the most rage is that although we all know this, have lived it, and even now talk about it out loud, she too will need to live it. I hope beyond words that she’s not an anonymous victim in a photo, that there are no more photos and no more victims. Thanks for this powerful essay. Onwards, for the world’s children.
we may be "nameless" but we always recognize each other. it's in our eyes. it's in the kindness we share with our other "warriors." at 65 the pain is as fresh as if it were yesterday.
"we may be chipped china but we are still precious and worthy." if i repeat it often enough, maybe it will take root.
re the 'chipped china'.. at some point years ago i realized that clear quartz crystals are supposedly considered 'unflawed' they are clear... but that when crystals -do- have a crack in them, it literally shows up as rainbows along the crack. uncracked crystals dont make rainbows. only cracked ones do. its something i keep in my mind to try to deal with the broken shards that should have been my life. peace to you.
This speaks to all of us nameless ones. I'd love to share this, but know I can't. Do you plan on publishing this on a more far-reaching platform? You get to the absolute core of why women, millions of us, carry relentless, white-hot rage at the crimes perpetrated against us for centuries.
I am pretty sure it is public and shareable
Thanks. For some reason I thought you had to be a subscriber to read.
Yes, that is true for most of her substack essays, but some are made public.